Changing the Stars

You can’t force me to want you. You can only lead me.

And you don’t understand that yet. You call dibs and say I’m already yours.

But I don’t feel the same way. I’ve already found who I wish to be mine.

And because she is your friend, you tear her away from me. Leaving me with an open hand.. waiting, longing for her to grasp it.

You don’t have to do this just because things don’t go the way you want it to.

Understand that sacrifices are sometimes necessary.

But if this continues to go on, I’ll assume that the fighting erupted because of me, and I’ll be forced to walk away to end it.

You can’t force me to want you. You will only lose me.

She’s haunting me again.

Haunting me with those damn memories.

As I lay down to sleep on my bed, I drift only into a daydream.

And in my dream, I relive those wonderful memories which haunt me so scathingly.

I dreamt of a moment where I saw myself standing in front of her, wooing her with recitals of words on paper.

And she, in her own curious way, fell.

Falling beneath the truth that lies before the facade.

And in my blindness, I fell harder, disabling me from climbing back to becoming myself once again.

For months, I struggled to return to my former state.

The memories fade, and I drift back into reality.

And I realize that I’m slipping, slowly the walls have already started to crumble around me.

As I struggle desperately to escape, I find myself drifting down as she stands unaware.

I begin to ponder what this strange feeling may be.

Butterflies… how childish.

But these feelings nourish the child within me.

and I remember it too well.

The deeper I fall the more the feeling grows.

It puts me on a cloud and leaves me drifting…

down… deeper into the abyss.

Beautiful summer day.

The sun warmed the air.

The wind cooled it.

Air isn’t simplistic, its much more than what you feel.

As i drove in my car, the air transpired through my hair.

Flowing so smoothly and comforting me as if a girl were pushing her fingers through my hair constantly with no end.

The reason i explain the air is because the air travels freely anywhere it wants. It sees the good events, it sees the bad, and it sees more frequently than any human, the ugly sad deaths.

My body felt energized and my emotions were only of happiness.

It’s surprising what a little motivation can do.

At one moment, i was filled with motivation.

In the next, my heart, my mind, and my throat were all twisted into a knot making my adam’s apple seem as if were close to bursting.

I looked out of my window to the right.

Time seemed to slow down although i was moving rather quickly at first but a small traffic jam created a single lane.

My attention was drawn to the sidewalk.

A gold ford truck had smashed into the side of a white aged honda that had ended up mounting the curb.

The truck had its hood dented, forming an arc, so that the engine could be seen. The honda was smashed in from the left side so that both doors were unable to be opened.

Both drivers were physically fine. the man in the truck had a face of shock while the woman was crying.

I know nothing about how it all happened… all i know is that it had happened  recently.

Its said that in a situation where an emergency call is made to emergency services, they arrive promptly under 7 minutes or less.

So the accident had been sooner than that.

But my attention wasn’t drawn to the cars.

Under the honda… i saw it… i saw her… an innocent woman that had been walking down the street.

she laid there… under the car… in her own blood.

Her eyes were closed with her leg caught under the wheel.

I couldn’t tell if she was pale or not because she had dark skin. most likely of hispanic decent because the setting of the event was in arleta. she could have been philippino but i couldn’t tell because she was in the shadow of the car.

The reason i looked to see if she was pale or not is because i knew she wasn’t part of the living anymore.

The owner of the honda… the woman kept screaming as she cried.

repeatedly she yelled, “It wasn’t my fault… she can’t be dead, it wasn’t my fault… she can’t be dead.”

She said other things but i couldn’t make out what it was because she was stuttering through her tears and gasps for air.

I drove past within 20 seconds… all the details that i wrote happened almost instantly. 

I only had a glimpse of the woman but i felt as if i had been staring at a picture.

I had been staring at a picture, the one i created through my photographic memory which still clouds my vision when i let my mind wander.

Sometimes I wish i wasn’t able to memorize the things i see… sometimes i think that ability is a curse.

I try to hold it in… that vision… but if i don’t let it out… i may become overwhelmed.

Because of my trait of extraversion, the only way i can free myself of the thought is to share the burden with other people, particularly with my readers.

Do not be saddened by this, for this is life.

In life there is death, but a person is never truly dead unless they are forgotten.

Their stories… their lives, will always be part of their family and friends.

They will be sad for a short time.. or possibly more time depending on each person’s relationship with her. But the love for her will forever be written into their hearts.

Woman under the car… rest in peace… now and forever.

Close your eyes…

Imagine everything that you could ever want

and make a wish.

Does your wish come true?

… most of the time the wishes that i make never do.

but its only because i’m not trying hard enough… i don’t believe enough.

A wish doesn’t come true just because you say it.

you have to fight for them.

You have to make your wishes come true.

A wish is a desire.

A desire attracts a person towards it.

It draws them in and catches them.

and they become lost in their desires.

and they dream of their desires.

sometimes their desires are of people.

they begin to fall for that person.

They begin to dream of that person.

“When people appear in your dreams, its because that person wants to see you.”

I have a wish, a dream, a desire.

And tonight i wish and i desire that i will dream of that person.

its not there.

over there.

i’ll set this right here.

but no this doesn’t work.

——- I sit here all alone looking to see everything around me.

I look into each detail of every little item.

the placement - is it proportional? does it look good? is it clean? does it fit?

over and over i rearrange, remove, and clean, and then all over again.

I continuously allow myself to be taken in by certain things.

i watch as a person sets something down.

a can of soda sits on a table out of place of everything with a drop of dew from the chilliness dripping down slowly, reaching down to the table, then in the next few moments more and more begins to slowly drip down. eventually there is a puddle of liquid under the can. i reach for the can with a napkin and wipe it down. i fold the napkin and wipe the trench inside the can which borders the outer lining of the top of it. i wipe the table twice and reach for the drink placer. i make it parallel to the lines on the table and center the can on top of it very carefully so that i don’t spill any of the soda onto anything at all. immediately i look away… because i know that the dew will start dripping down the can soon again.

5 minutes wasted.. let’s move on.

It all starts to pile up.

All the stress, work, and frustration.

the constant annoyance of being told what to do.

The need to escape.

But there is no escape from home.

Only solitude.

But even in that solitude, we cannot escape the intrusions.

So we begin to rebel, to leave behind all of our worries.

We begin to follow our own path and slip from the goals that were preset.

We grow more and more rebellious and in that we start to escape.

Soon nothing is left for us to bear except for the struggles we set for ourselves.

We grow older and finally there is no more reason for us to rebel… because we are free.

This day i am reborn into a new life.

with each passing second i change.

changing from love to hatred and back.

changing from friendliness to bitterness.

changing the hearts of the people i love with hope.

but my past memories of my life is what causes me to change so easily.

i close my eyes and i see the beauty of it all.

From the moment i was born into this world, i have begun to understand how we are in heaven and hell all at once.

the clashing of contradictions allows this world to revolve.

for some it revolves quickly with the passing of the sun and moon.

and for others the world revolves so slowly allowing us to take in the beauty of life.

the chaos that dwells on earth clashes with peace all the same.

extravagant people learn to take both and create excitement, erupting with joy to relieve the hardships that we continuously have to push through.

but where is the joy without having to earn it? where is the peace without the chaos?

only in our hearts are we able to understand our reasons to live.

We live not to gain, but to give our own lives.

We give our pains to our friends to help bear them.

we give our time to our family to show the gratitude we have for them.

and we give our love to everyone around us so that we can share the little peace that we have.

It is in our hearts that we create our own families.

families of our friends, our family, our lovers…

and with them we create the memories of our lives.

and with those memories we create a greater peace within ourselves.

Throughout our lives the sun rises each morning and the sun sets each night.

but for our memories, as long as we cherish them, no matter how low the sun reaches the horizon, our memories never have a sunset to end it.

Cherish the memories of your life as i have done with mine.

Mankind has always been found selfish in many ways.

Some less than others but some to the extremities.

It is in our nature.

Substitutes of the heart

Because mankind has always been selfish, we strive to obtain what makes our hearts the happiest.

To make our hearts happy, we seek the one person that brings us joy and we fall in love with them.

Later, if the love becomes lost, and you lose the person that brought tears to your eyes just because of the enjoyment of being around them, we begin to shed tears of depression rather than joy.

And through our selfish nature, we find something to replace what made us the happiest, and we move on.

The present becomes the past and the future becomes the present…

but what happened to the past??… did it delve deeper into our minds and become lost with our other memories? did we lock it away so we wouldn’t have to feel the pains of loss? or did we just… forget it?…

Substitutes… its what allows us to move on.

I close my eyes and i see the dark overwhelming me.

I try to escape but even when my eyes open i’m still in the dark reality that makes my heart tremble.

Trembling uncontrollably, racing, speeding and thumping as fast and hard as the bass from a techno song.

I’ve seen no light appear to me to help me erase all my fears and doubts.

I have so many that the weight of it all brings me to my knees to surrender to pain.

The pain of being lost… lost without you.

You, who has brought me more fear than happiness, have always allowed me to ease my shattering doubts with the passing time.

I fought so very hard for so very long, but i’ve already known that i’ve been losing you through my negligence.

But i don’t wish to give up just yet.

I want things to turn out so well for us…

I want to live life being able to say that we can be… just friends

So i’ll continue fighting to achieve my goal.

This is a war of love that i do not want to lose.

All is fair in love and war…

but in a war of love, there should be no giving up…

I’m unrighteous in many of my actions and inactions.

especially now.

I understand the things that i have to do but many times i become a disappointment.

Disappointing those that have only helped and done good to me.

and even my brother, who has become someone that gives me a reason to keep living life to the fullest.

i feel that i’ve disappointed him because of the stupid things that i have done.

He only wants me safe and there are moments where i feel that i can be safe but it is impossible.

I’ve also disappointed my first and only love.

I want to fight for her.

but i have no way of figuring out how to do it.

I feel like if i were to talk to her too much i’d become an annoying nuisance.

I feel that i’d only be doing worse.

But she tells me that i’m not fighting for her hard enough.

I’m so scared to f!@# things up.

and i know that just by writing this i may be screwing up already.

This is the plainest i’ve ever been in my life.

just let it be known… i’m still falling…